Sometimes You Just Have to Cry

I just talked to Meredith. I feel so stupid, but I am really close to sobbing right now. I blame it on my lack of sleep. But that wouldn't be very truthful. I can't explain it. It's like relief that we still have this friendship and that we can talk and be retarded and things like that. It makes me so happy I just want to cry. And now there are tears streaming down my face and I can't begin to explain why. We talked about what our futures hold and it lasted all of ten minutes, but it made a lot of things clear. It's clear that each of us has a future, and they most likely aren't intertwined. And its clear that all of us are going to have a hard time accepting that. Especially me. It made me think of all the stupid things in life that I worry and stress over. For example, Mere and Liz and Lea are all going to prom. And I am so jealous, yet so happy for them; and that makes me confused and upset. Because half of me wants to be happy for them, while the other wants to act like a three year old and throw a tantrum. Of course number one will have to win, I already am disliked for having a (recently) overacting jealousy problem. (I haven't always had this problem.) Or how unfair some of my friends lives are. And how no matter how hard you wish you could change things; make some of them go away, you can't. It is impossible. And that hurts too. I just spent my last weekend at my friend Sara's lake house, and it was smeared with gray clouds and weeping rains that never went away. It was like the weather was showing us some sympathy, but instead we just got irritated by it. The last weekend and we couldn't even capture a sun rise within our inner minds to saver for the future. I watched a realtor come to see the house and heard the painful snooty things she had to say. I watched them take it all, piece by piece, and throw it out on the floor for the world to see and judge. I watched a good for nothing lady in a pink trench decide whether that house was 'good enough' for her pink pumps. It made me want to take a bite out of the cruel world and chew it up to tiny pieces and spit it back out onto the floor; a helpless blob no one would try to save. I watched us all to see the weariness that each pair of eyes sought, the heavy weight that knowledge brings and the truest fact of all; we aren't the same as we were. We are changed. And it made me sad. It made me sad to see how everyone was weary of the other, fed up, angry, disappointed, irritated. I could see it, the roots taking hold, the deception, the words, the secret little meetings behind closed doors and disappearing friends that, only last year, would have never left the safe encompass of joined hands and laughter. But they have, and time is seeing to it that we slowly loose the sands (of time) we try to catch, as they sift through our slipping fingers. And it makes me sad. The past is best forgotten, but then again we must learn from it. I have learned that people change. The ones you promise to love and pinky swear to keep all the secrets won't always be the ones you carry to the future. They won't always be the shoulders of your world. I have learned that the basis to a world can slip and slide and crumble. I've seen it. I've heard it. I've cried over it. Something or someone you have counted on can be wrenched from you, gently pried from you, or viciously snapped. And then the world slides from view and you close your eyes to it all, only to open them too soon after and take it for reality. Nothing in life is permanent, nor is it a promise. It's the sweet endeavor we make of it with the time we have with it. Whether it be friends, homes, lives, promises, and best friends; nothing is forever. And it makes me sad. And now I realize that sometimes, you just have to cry.